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5 Count Vol 2: Horror Cliches That Make You Scream (At The Screen) - Cinema Shelf
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5 Count Vol 2: Horror Cliches That Make You Scream (At The Screen)

 

You know how when you watch a lot of horror movies, you notice that characters tend to repeatedly do stupid things?  Like buying a strangely inexpensive house without any prior knowledge of its haunted history.  Or taking an unfamiliar dirt instead of staying on the highway because it seems like the quicker route.  People in these movies do a lot things that don’t make sense, and sometimes you just want to yell at the screen and hope they hear your warnings.  For this edition of 5 Count, we will look at a handful of horror movie cliches and the things that you might want to yell when you see them.  Warning: not advised while in a crowded theater.


1. Hey gang, let’s try out this ouija board!  What could possibly go wrong?

Nothing at all, at least not for that demon/ghost thing you’ve invited into your home.  Great job!  He’s doing just fine keeping you up at night, breaking your dishes, and following your other stupid friends around town.  Who knew you would get in contact with an evil spirit, right?  You thought it was just a game right?  What harm could come from a game the let’s you speak to the dead, right? Fool, this ain’t Monopoly! Did you really think that dead Becky was communicating with you from beyond the grave?  She ain’t got time for your collect call from the land of the living!  That demon does though, and he saved your number…

Becky can’t answer the phone right now…

2. Lets explore this old, abandoned asylum. What could possibly go wrong?

You gon’ get trapped, fool!  There’s a reason why that place is abandoned!  Its haunted!  Mentally ill people died there, probably from some crazy stuff or suicide.  Didn’t you do your research?  You mean you knew about this and still locked yourself in there? They closed down for a reason!  That place wasn’t right at all.  That weird circle and candles you see there wasn’t for mood lighting and a picnic!  They doin’ dark rituals there, dumby!  No need to try and run now, the exit ain’t there anymore.  Now you all locked in while patient #36 and #24 drag you and your friends into some dark dimension that you’ll never escape from.  Well, I hope those Youtube hits were worth it…

How is she supposed to brush with you shining that light in her face?

3. I’m going to check that creepy sound over there.  What could possibly go wrong?

You gon’ get chopped up, fool!  Why would you walk towards the creepy sound?  You are supposed to walk AWAY from it.  I’m sure you’re trying to look all heroic for your girl and all, but this isn’t being heroic.  Its being stupid!  Now you all dead and stuff.  And for what? To impress your girl?  She was just cheating on you with your boy not even 15 minutes ago! Don’t worry though, I’m sure he’ll probably fail at protecting her, too.  Oh and bonus tip: When you hear a knock at the door and ask “is someone there?” and no one answers, don’t go investigate.  Someone is most definitely there, but they aren’t there the sell girl scout cookies.  You’re welcome…

“So we goin’ down together, right?”

4. I’m going to open this box with no sender or return address. What could possibly go wrong?

Well it ain’t a box of sweets from your aunt Ruth, ya idiot!  Why would you open that? Why?  You don’t know where its from, who its from, or even what’s inside of it!  Let’s think for a minute, ‘kay?  Given the circumstances, you are probably looking at a few possibilities here.  One: It’s a cursed doll or puppet.  Two: It’s something else that’s probably cursed.  Three:  Aunt Ruth sent you a box of pies.  I guarantee that option three ain’t it. That box is cursed, fool!  Don’t open it!  You opened it didn’t you?  You so dumb..

Yep. See? SEE? Cursed puppet.

5. The monster/murderer is here, I’m hiding under the bed!  What could possibly go wrong?

Really? REALLY?  That’s where you hide?  That’s your ultimate safe spot?  They surely won’t find you under there. Nope.  Those fine linen sheets and that posturepedic mattress are way too nice for him to get anywhere near.  Not to mention, he has major back problems, so he’s not likely to bend down and pull you out or anything.  Yeah, you’re good.  He may just decide to lay there and take a nap instead.  Mass-murderin’ is tiring business.  Nevermind, he just left the room anyway.  I’m sure he’s not playing games with you, and he really doesn’t know that you are down there.  Nope.  Not at all. Idiot…

Is he wearing the new Jordans? Nice…

Got any other cliche’s that you want to complain about?  Sound off in the comments below, and I’ll see you next time!

 

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